Tales of Babysitting Uchiha Itachi
by PyrothTenka
Summary: Or: Why you should never leave Uzumaki Kushina alone with little prodigy ninjas. Series of drabbles. (Rated T because violence is just a part of writing ninjas.)
1. Dodge Shuriken

**A/N:** Wouldn't leave my brain alone. Now it can infect you too! Love, Py.

**Episode One: Dodge Shuriken**

Itachi's Age: 4

"Uzumaki Kushina! Just _what_ do you think you're doing?!"

Kushina froze mid-motion as she turned to blink owlishly at her usually quiet and reserved friend turned enraged-bear and was currently glaring fiercely in her direction. The redhead looked up at the shuriken in her raise hand, poised to throw, then down at the expressionless four year old in front of her crouched and ready to evade. "Oh, hi, Mikoto. It's... not what it looks like?"

"Are you using my _son_ for target practice?!"

Kushina opened her mouth to deny it, but then stopped, realizing she couldn't. She hesitantly answered instead, "Uh... yeeeees?"

She immediately quelled under the flood of killing intent coming off of her friend and soon-to-be murderer. "He told me to do it!" she defended, pointing at the small brunette that was standing up out of his crouch, his face as blank as always.

His mother turned her scowl on him and he blinked. The only sign of uncertainty he showed, but that he showed any meant a lot. "Uchiha Itachi, is this true?!"

"Yes, Mother. Father said I should work on my dodging. I asked Uzumaki-san to assist."

"Hey! Stop calling me Uzumaki-san! I keep telling you to call me Kushina-nee!"

Itachi turned back toward the redhead and tilted his head slightly. "Uzumaki-san, please continue, we are losing optimum lighting hours. Though I would not mind if you wished to continue into non-optimum lighting conditions."

Kushina's eye twitched. "Oh, you are so going to _pay_ for that, you little bas- er, brat, dattebane!" Another two shuriken appeared in her hand as she decided it was a good time to up the difficulty of the exercise, but her wrist was grabbed before she could throw them.

"Kushina-san, thank you for watching my son today. Don't you think you should be getting home to your husband?" Mikoto asked, the death grip she had on her friend's arm belied the slightly-strained smile on her face and the polite clipped tone she used.

Kushina shrugged. "Nah, Minato doesn't get home for another hour or so. I can keep training Ita-chan until then."

Mikoto's smiling facade did not slip, but there was a brief pause and she didn't release her hold on the other woman either. "... Then perhaps you could get dinner started so it's ready for him when he gets home?"

"No way! It's his turn to cook tonight, and if he thinks he can work late and make me do it again, he's got another thing coming, dattebane!"

"Kushina."

"Hm?"

"Go home. Please."

"Oh, okay. See you next week, Ita-chan!"

With that, the redhead was off, waving farewell. Leaving Mikoto to sigh and take her son aside and explain to him that allowing Uzumaki Kushina to throw sharp objects at one's self was not generally good for one's health.


	2. Flower Fairy

**Episode Two: Flower Fairy**

**Itachi's Age: **3

Inoichi did not sigh as he set out a fresh arrangement of flowers for his shop. He'd known when he'd retired as head of the T&amp;I department that seeking other employment would be difficult. Especially since he'd chosen to run a flower shop, of all things.

It wasn't completely random, his choice. He'd had many years experience in cultivating various herbs and plants for use in his... previous occupation, and he'd grown fond of it. A flower shop seemed a decent use of his skills that would also give him a decent occupation with which to support his new wife and, hopefully soon, family.

Unfortunately he'd underestimated the villager's reluctance to patronize a shop run by the ex-head of the Torture and Interrogation department. To say that business wasn't going well was a gross understatement. If things didn't pick up soon, he'd have to go reactivate his jounin status and take missions to support his livelihood.

It was with such thoughts in mind that he stepped outside to work on the store's exterior.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi was not entirely sure what standing outside a flower shop with bits of glue and flowerpetals stuck to his hands, hair and face had to do with 'speed training', but his babysitter, Uzumaki-san, had yet to be wrong in her methods of teaching. Unorthodox, most certainly, but never wrong. Attempting to figure out the method before it became obvious was an amusing mental exercise, at least.

So. He was instructed to stand here. Outside this shop. After Uzumaki-san had pasted bits of glue and flower petals to him. When he'd asked what he was supposed to do, she'd merely replied with a, "You'll know. Trust me, dattebane."

He still wasn't any nearer to figuring it out than he was five minutes ago when she'd left him.

His musings were interrupted by the click of the shop door being opened, and instantly his senses were alert and actively seeking out any new information that would help clarify his purpose. It didn't take very long.

When the blond man stepped out his door, it set off a tripwire connected to something -he couldn't see, it was hidden under the storefront awning- that caused a large quantity of a pale viscous liquid -glue?- to fall and coat the shopkeeper. It was shortly followed by an equally large quantity of... flower petals? And a small piece of paper.

A seal of some sort, it seemed, when it latched onto the man and sent a surge of fire chakra over the petals covering him and burnt the words clearly across his chest: "Petalpeddler, King of the Flower Fairies!"

Itachi knew it was his babysitter's handiwork, it just took him a moment to try and figure out _why_ she did it. Then the petal doused man looked up at him, at the bits of obvious evidence pasted all over him and the killing intent began to fill the air.

Ah. Yes. Speed training. Now Itachi understood. Interesting.

Without so much as a glance backward, the three-year-old turned and took off running.

* * *

Uzumaki Kushina watched with chakra enhanced eyes from her super secret place of safety (AKA Minato's office) as her self-made flower fairy and little minion ran all over the place.

"Kushina... what are you doing over there? Your evil laughter is making me nervous."

The redhead cut the chakra to her eyes and turned a not-at-all-innocent looking grin to her husband. "Nothing. Just helping Inoichi advertise his new flower shop."

Minato stared at her uncertainly. "... I thought you were babysitting for Mikoto today?"

"Oh, I'm doing that too, yeah, dattebane."

He was about to open his mouth to ask another question before thinking better of it and shaking his head. "Nevermind. I don't want to know. I want to be able to honestly plead ignorance when Fugaku comes in to complain about it."

"That's my husband," Kushina replied, smile widening as she came over to give him a peck on the cheek. "I've trained you well."

"I'm going to regret this later, aren't I?"

"Probably. I love you?"

"... I love you too."

* * *

There you go. Not as good as the first episode, I don't think, but still funny? Eh? Maybe? DX

**Story Rec: **The Sharingan Fairy by Kyong Kybis - Cracky, but highly amusing. X3

Thank you for reading!

-Py


	3. Ask your Dad

**Episode Three: Ask Your Dad**

**Super awesome Beta: **Monster Cat Music Girl

**Itachi's Age: 3**

"Say what?" Kushina asked as she stared, dumbfounded, at the face of the three year old before her.

She was leaning backwards over the couch, having been in the process of watching a soap opera while she waited for the little ankle-biter to get home.

Itachi opened his mouth to obediently repeat himself, like she'd asked, when the redhead lurched forward to stop him. Nearly face planting in the process as she waved her hands wildly in the air. "Nuh-uh, no! Don't- just... where did you learn that word?!"

For a panicked moment, she worried that she'd slipped up. Mikoto would have her head! She couldn't think of when, though, she'd been crazy paranoid about keeping unsavory words like that out of the midget's hearing range.

"From the chuunin outside the bar," he replied. "What does it mean?"

"Uh...," Kushina answered, for once rendered speechless. This was why she wasn't a parent. Little kids and their fragile psyche. She was pretty sure the boy was too young to be knowing words like that. Probably. Maybe? Dang it. This wasn't even her kid!

Oh.

"Go ask your dad."

Duh. Not her child, not her problem.

Satisfied she'd successfully dodged the situation like a true ninja, Kushina turned back to her show. It still had about ten more minutes until it was over. Itachi could make himself a snack in the kitchen, he knew the drill.

Except, instead of hearing the disturbingly-too-quiet-for-a-three-year-old sounds of food preparation, there was a soft click. Suspiciously like a door being closed.

Fearfully, the redhead turned away from the television. There was no sign of the little midget, and the front entry way was conspicuously lacking in little shoes.

Aw, crap.

* * *

Minato was having a pretty good day, as far as days went. He'd come in with less than the usual amount of paperwork, Kushina had baked a fresh batch of cookies and packed some for him to take to work, and the meeting with the clan heads had ended earlier than expected. Normally, he would stay for the after meeting socializing, but... he had cookies to eat. Not that he let anyone else know that.

They would expect him to share.

So with that in mind, he leaned over to activate the office's privacy seals to enjoy his lunch. Yes, he took Kushina's cookies _that_ seriously.

He was just placing a finger on the activation array when his window exploded open and red-headed bullet knocked him from his chair.

"IT'S LEGITIMATELY NOT MY FAULT THIS TIME, I SWEAR, DATTEBANE!"

Okay, ow. His ears were ringing. "Kushina...? Wha-"

"Hide me!" As quickly as he'd been tackled, Minato was released and his assailant had disappeared under his desk.

The Yondaime didn't react for a moment as he tried to understand what had just occurred. Usually being tackled in his office by his wife in the middle of the day went very differently than it was going now. He carefully stood up and righted his chair before coming to crouch down and peer under the seemingly empty desk. She was even using the genjutsu seals? Something must seriously be up.

"Kushina, is everything alright?" he asked warily.

"Shhhh! She's coming! She'll hear you! I'M NOT HERE, 'TTEBANE!"

...

This was going to be one of _those_ days, he just knew it.

Minato was about to try one more time to get a coherent response from his wife when he felt something that made him pause. The only thing that could describe it was sheer rage. A dark miasma of pure killing intent that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

It was making it's way down the hall only to stop just outside the door to his office. Honestly? It reminded him of his wife, almost, when she was really _really_ mad at him. Yet, worse. He didn't know there could be killing intent worse than that.

It was somewhat offset by the soft polite knock on his door.

Hesitantly, he set his chair back upright and sat at his desk before calling out, "Come in."

The door opened, and surprisingly did not reveal an enraged bijuu, but a disturbingly calm looking Uchiha Mikoto. "Good afternoon, Hokage-sama. I hope I'm not intruding?"

Minato was convinced that face deserved a flee-on-sight notice more than his ever did. He actually had to slip into a partial combat mindset just to keep from freezing up. What did Kushina _do?!_

He was so distracted by the mother in front of him, he only barely noticed her son was in the room as well.

Meanwhile, under his desk, the redhead was not doing as well as her husband. She nearly jumped out of her skin at the soft sound of another person crawling under the desk beside her.

Itachi sat down under Kushina's Hokage's desk fort and took a moment to glance around at the ingenuousness of his babysitter's hiding place. He did not know they were allowed to hide here. With the genjutsu seals, it was unlikely his mother would find them.

Though, his mother could be pretty creative when she was upset. He did not know why she was so upset, but Uzumaki-san clearly knew. Maybe she would tell him?

Kushina watched in growing horror as the kid looked around before returning his attention back to her and opening his mouth to speak.

Using all of her ninja skill, the redhead clamped on hand over the toddler's mouth, and used the other dig into the desk drawer where she knew her husband kept his lunch. She quickly found the bag she wanted and promptly released her hold on the child's mouth only to replace it with a chocolate chip cookie.

Kid's liked cookies, right?

It seemed to work. The kid's eyes went really wide as he slowly bit and chewed. He seemed to stare at the cookie like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. She breathed a sigh of relief. As long as she had cookies to feed him the child would keep silent. And fortunately, this child was a very slow eater.

Little did she know that Uzumaki Kushina had just activated Uchiha Itachi's addiction to sweets. Especially her home-baked cookies.

Now she just had to wait out the apocalypse (aka angry Uchiha Mikoto) and pray she had enough cookies to last...

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you guys enjoyed that, sorry for the delay. Real life has been crazy. Full time jobs are no fun. I can't decide if I had more fun writing Minato, Kushina, Itachi or Mikoto in this… they're all fun. Probably Minato and Kushina are tied.

Okay, off to work on M:TABD. It's going to take longer than this did, but I'm determined to get that chapter done. :)

Thank you for your patience!

-Py

**Story Recommend:**

**Bullet Train** by **Flippant Wisdom: **/s/9633835/1/Bullet-Train

"_The war is over, and Naruto has found the way to peace, but no one is left to enjoy it. Including himself. Dying and unable to give up, Naruto does the only thing he can: give the last living member of Team 7 a second chance. Whether Kakashi wants it or not. [Time Travel Fic ]**"**_(Last Updated: Aug 2013)


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